I like animals but I don’t like animals where they shouldn’t be, especially animals that burrow near the foundation of my house.
I have become an Elmer Fudd-ian hunter of a family of chipmunks. I thought of trapping the beasts and releasing them but I feared I would keep catching and releasing the same animals like Elmer and Bugs.
The idea of poisoning Chip and Dale’s cousins didn’t seem quite right yet I found myself at the hardware store staring at a shelf of “pest controlling” substances. An older woman walked by me and must have been taken by my confused look.
“Don’t waste your money.”
“Best thing is to chew on some Juicy Fruit gum and stick it down their holes – you have holes in your yard, right?”
“Lots of holes – all near the foundation of the house….they make me nervous.”
“Buy a pack of Juicy Fruit. They can’t resist it, and they can’t digest it.”
“I don’t kid about foundations. Juicy Fruit: original flavor.”
She narrowed her Clint Eastwood-blue eyes and disappeared around the corner.
I bought a pack of Juicy Fruit.
I chewed a stick for about ten seconds – just enough to bring out the succulent fruitiness - and chucked it down the hole closest to the foundation. I did this about ten times.
I don’t know about the chipmunks, but I had a terrible stomach ache.